Spruce, inadequate, and alien
I stood at the side of the road.
It was the only life I had.
– Jane Kenyon
When I injured my brain
it was barely spring.
Now it is mid-October
& getting up at eleven
is a big accomplishment.
Last month I counted
the five hundred extra
hours I’ve spent sleeping
in this new state
where sunlight augurs
pain. I lose simple thoughts
before I can finish them
& feel lonely without
my mind. I’m always asking
whoever I’m talking to
What was I saying?
When everyone went
back to school I stayed
home, stopped having
goals, stopped dreaming
of putting my body
in a body of water. I tried
to edit what I wrote
and was bad at it, the kind
of bad trying harder
can’t fix. I felt useless
& alive. I watched
the doctor type prognosis
unknown & let hope
ghost me. Remind me where
the soul lives? How to tell
body from mind?
Ups & downs I say
when asked if I’m recovering.
In crowds I get dizzy
& sweat from the noise
& movement of bodies
around me. I am a woman
who holds her head
slightly off-centre,
always comes alone,
is relearning most things.
Where to begin?
A poem that explores the loss of taken-for-granted abilities that lead to existential questions about oneself.
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Although Jamieson’s poem is written as one long stanza, it does not necessarily have to be read as so. When reciting the poem, how will you use intonation, pacing, volume, and tone of voice to give the feeling that the poem contains different moments amidst its singular form?
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Jamieson uses italics to connote the different voices found in the poem. Identify who is represented in the italicized words or lines. What are the differences between the voices represented by the italics and lines written in regular font?
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There are two poignant questions posed close to the end of poem:
“Remind me where the soul lives?/How to tell body from mind?”
And at the end of the poem: “Where to begin?”
Based on these questions, what do you infer about the type of emotions the speaker might be feeling about her current state of mind? What feelings come up for you as you read these lines? -
The poem’s title, “In Exile I Draw the Tower Card,” refers to a tarot card called The Tower. This card often represents a cataclysmic fall or a sudden change in circumstances, at a personal level, that leaves one in a state of ruin. However, more generous readings also say that the fall from the tower and descent into ruin is often necessary since it makes way for new life, transformation and insight.
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Which parts of the poem do you notice the more traditional reading of the Tower Card—the presence of loss and ruin? What is lost and ruined?
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Is there evidence of the more nuanced reading of the Tarot Card—a hint of growth or insight? If so, list the moments you feel they exist.
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How does the epigraph from Jane Kenyon’s “Three Songs at the End of Summer” reflect the poem’s mood and themes of loss and loneliness?
Writing activity: Write about a time when you felt like you had lost your ability to perform something you either enjoyed doing (e.g., playing sports, listening to music, writing) or bodily movements taken for granted (e.g., walking up stairs, brushing teeth, texting a friend). Like Jamieson, include in your writing some questions you may have for yourself or from others during this time period of feeling “exiled.”
Useful Links
Three Songs at the End of Summer by Jane Kenyon https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/37232/three-songs-at-the-end-of-summer
Kyla Jamieson reading on Under the Table Mic Series of “In Exile I Draw the Tower Card”
More writings by Jamieson on her website:https://www.kylajamieson.com/selectedworks
Kyla Jamieson, “In Exile I Draw the Tower Card,” from Body Count. Nightwood Editions, 2020. Copyright © 2020 by Kyla Jamieson. Reprinted by permission of the publisher.