Funny Ha Ha

Wow! You've Changed

You’ve changed.

You used to be so

and now you’re all

like, you’ve transformed

I don’t know how to describe

it’s like

you don’t like canasta anymore

you text IN ALL CAPS

your selfies are so

animalistic

like, are you out to prove something

you’re a lion

you’re a bear

you’re a maggot

you’re a virus

I just don’t know

if we can be friends anymore.

Leonardo DiCaprio

My ex-boyfriend got measurably more attractive

and all I got was a dad bod.

Leonardo DiCaprio has a dad bod,

and for whatever reason this is reassuring to me.

Leonardo DiCaprio finally one an Oscar

for his lead role in The Revenant.

Leonardo DiCaprio was almost killed by a bear

in said movie. But alas, he wasn’t.

I Have yet to see The Revenant,

but only because there ain’t nothing special

about a settler who defies death

while NDNs drop like flies around him.

Dick Pics

Two dicks, sitting in

my daughter’s inbox,

like men without hats,

waiting for any door

to open. 

 

*

Sighting a stranger’s penis

used to be rare. Remember raincoats?

Like a flash of lightning,

like a Scratch ‘N Win ticket –

sometimes glittering knock-off watches,

sometimes a flapping penis

shivering in the electric air.

 

*

Overcooked hotdog?

Aborted fetus?

Close up of a thumb?

Rolled baloney on a lonely deli plate?

Dear Death,

Am I a praise poet or a blame poet?

Today I am a blame poet.

 

 O Death, face it, existence

doesn’t like you.

 

You can’t sing. You can’t paint.

You can’t play drums. You can’t skateboard.

 

You won’t even ride a bicycle.

You are harbinger of nothing.

 

All you like to do is hinder and disturb.

Hinder and disturb.

 

I think you think it’s cool.

It’s not. (And you smell funny.)

 

It’s getting annoying.

Embarrased

i thought it was ok - i could understand the reasons

they said there might be young children or a nervous man seeing

this small piece of flesh that they weren’t quite expecting

so i whispered and tiptoed with nervous discretion

 

but after six months of her life spent sitting on lids

as she sips on her milk, nostrils sniffing up shit

banging her head on toilet-roll dispensers

i wonder whether these public-loo feeds offend her

 

Editing the Prairie

Well, it’s too long for one thing

and very repetitive.

Remove half the fields.

Then there are far too many fences

interrupting the narrative flow.

Get some cattlemen to cut down those fences.

There’s not enough incident either,

the story is very flat.

Can’t you write in a mountain

or at least a decent-sized hill?

And why set it in winter

as if the prairie can grow nothing

but snow? I like the pubic bush

but there’s too much even of that,

Spacetime

We Twitter, Tinder, Tumblr through eternity. Loquacious

text messages flit from fingertips, waves of data spill

through our skulls. Every cm2 of oxygen overflowing

with bank PINS, girls in yoga pants, the frequencies

of whale cries. Digital clouds brim with selfies and rain

videos on how to cook coconut shrimp. Sepia-filtered

photographs prowl for leaks in blood-brain barriers. Outside

our windows tree roots evolve into wires and birds trilling

Let's Not Get It Together

The world has become corrupted

from our hearts

to the way our gods love us

as if they know they’re already dying

and they’re determined to drag us down with them

 

and just like a flagpole in winter

demanding our affection

we’ve stuck our tongues to their ancient religions

leaving us dumbstruck and blinded

by the eye cons of the icons

that have kept us from seizing the truth

 

but what that truth is I don’t know

I have enough trouble

figuring out

Great Intimacy

It is like an exquisite spider web, this world, but I

don't get trapped.

 

I have ceased to tie the strings of one shoe to

another in the morning,

 

so now I don't trip over my wants. This leaves me

nimble. Any mountain I can scamper up.

 

A long rope shoved quickly into a sack can easily

get tangled and not be of proper use

 

when all of a sudden you need it. So I do everything,

everything with care.

 

It is like a miraculous weave of silk, the fabric of

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