Leonardo DiCaprio

My ex-boyfriend got measurably more attractive

and all I got was a dad bod.

Leonardo DiCaprio has a dad bod,

and for whatever reason this is reassuring to me.

Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar

for his lead role in The Revenant.

Leonardo DiCaprio was almost killed by a bear

in said movie. But alas, he wasn’t.

I have yet to see The Revenant,

but only because there ain’t nothing special

about a settler who defies death

while NDNs drop like flies around him.

Case in point: the Wikipedia page

for The Revenant is organized into ten sections,

one of which is Plot, the first line of which reads:

“In late 1823, Hugh Glass Guides Andrew Henry’s

trappers through unorganized territory.”

Regardless of what Leonardo DiCaprio had to say at the Oscars

about NDN resistance and climate change,

white people see what they want.

They feast on what’s before them.

Had this been a movie made by NDNs,

that bear would have killed

Leonardo DiCaprio in the first ten minutes

and for the next two hours and twenty-six minutes

(because this movie runs two hours and thirty-six minutes)

there would have been no footage,

just the sounds of NDNs

organizing territory.

Whatever the fuck that means!